MANNY’s LAST BLOG EVER

Ey mang. Is time for the LAST BLOG EVER WRITTEN! I promised to all joo, that I would answer any last questions joo got before I stop writing, mang. I only got two questions! A lot of “THANK YOU MANNY” for the World Series, like, but only two questions. So let’s talk about them, like.

Ey manny! I’ve been reading your blog all season and I love it! But I noticed that you never talked about Dice-K or Okajima in your entries. Didn’t you interact with them at all?

Oh, mang. Yeah, I didn’t hang out with Oki and DiceK much. In the preseason, I tried to break THE ICE with DiceK, but it didn’t go so good. He was hanging out with his translator in the clubhouse, and I axed him if he brought any macadamia nuts with him (cuz I thought he was Hawaiian, and I really like macadamias.) When I told the translator this, he scowled and axed me if I was sure that I wanted to ax him that. Man, I shoulda thought twice instead of just saying yes. The guy translated it, and DiceK shook his head and walked away. Oops, mang.

I axed Papi what the deal was, and he told me what DiceK’s nationality really was. So I figures, I gots to go apologize and make things better. I go up to his translator and ax him, how joo say “sorry” in Chinese? I guess, the translator still pissed at me, cuz again, he just frowns and walks away. So that was the end of the interaction between MANNY and DICEK.

manny on curt’s blog he says he’s making a video game company for after he retires, what do you have planned?

Well, mang. I got a couple tricks up my sleeve. Joo guys know about facebook? Is this site, where joo can go with your friends, increase your friend count, and leave messages for other people. Seems simple, but facebook is now worth AT LEAST ONE BILLION DOLLARS. Well unfortunately, I did not get in on the ground floor on that one, mang. Looks like, MANNY is going to have to chase down some niche markets, OK? I cannot make a site just for people and their friends.

Maybe, I can make a site where people ridicule dogs that run away from home. Like, why would a dog run away from home? If they do that, they give up a bunch of free stuff: health care, and food, and water, even shelter. So I bet there’s a LOT OF PEOPLE who would want an online site to make fun of them. So MANNY gonna be the next Internet millionare, with queperrotanloco.com. Check it out, I gonna start it soon.

OK, mang. That’s it for the blog, OK? I hope joo enjoyed it. I’s gonna go knock back a few beers, mang. Later.

Advertisements

3 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized

Manny helps a friend

Ey mang. We is ONE STEP CLOSER! All we gots to do is win tonight, and we win the freakin’ World Series, and everyting. It’s super exciting cause JON LESTER gets to pitch tonight. And only a year after getting a cancer. Someday, they will write a movie (or maybe just an off-Broadway play) about how inspiring it is, like. But, I tink I is gonna be a bit distracted tonight, like, by someone else’s disease – let me splain.

Maybe some of joo is axing, why isn’t Wakefield pitching? Yeah, he’s the normal fourth pitcher. BUT he’s hurt. Joor next question probably is someting like, how is he not better yet? And I tink, joo are right. How can he possibly be hurt when all he does is throw knuckleballs? Well luckily for us I called Wakefield and we got together in my hotel room last night to talk things over.

While we was sitting in my room having a drink, we was reminiscing about this one hottie that Wake slept with just before the season ended. He met her at one of the clubs on Lansdowne and she said she was a stripper! Wake ended up taking her to the Fenway clubhouse, since it was just across the street, and doing her up.

But then, talking last night, he gave another detail. He said Manny, I did that chick RAW DOG (like, without a condom). I remember growing up, my daddy always told me, don’t ever bang nobody without a rubber, specially strippers, mang. Now that Wake told me what he did, I pretty concerned.

And then it hits me.

MAYBE WAKE’S SHOULDER NOT GETTING BETTER, CUZ HE GOT AIDS.

Holy crap, mang, this ain’t no joking around, like. Seriously, if joo got AIDS, joo can’t heal right. Joo can get a disease that is normally not serious, but then it becomes super serious because AIDS attacks joor ammune system.

So once I tell Wake dis, I do what any good friend would do to help: I help Wakefield diagnose hisself on WebMD, like. We sign on and starts answering all the website’s questions:

  1. Are you sick? YES
  2. Are you sniffling? YEAH
  3. Do you have a headache? YES MANG
  4. How long have you had symptoms? TWO MONTHS
  5. What else hurts? SHOULDER AND CROTCH
  6. Do you have uncontrollable diarrhea? NO
  7. Do you frequently have sweats and chills? ALL THE TIME
  8. Have you recently had unprotected sex, a blood transfusion, or have you been scratched by an animal from Africa? THE FIRST ONE, I BANGED THIS CHICK I FOUND

That was all the questions. After that, it gave us the diagnosis with some likelihoods in percents.

“You likely have:

· AIDS (81%)

· Malaria (7%)

· Typhoid (4%)

· Rheumatoid Arthritis (3%)

· Cholera (2%)

· Shingles (1%)

· Black Plague (1%)

· Priapism (1%)”

Oh my god. 81% is pretty good. Wake is going to the hospital soon to figure out if he really got AIDS. I gonna be tinking about this all night, so forgive me if I miss some plays in left field or on the basepaths tonight, mang. Wake looking pretty brave, though – what a trooper, mang.

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

MANNY and RANDY go CHOPPING

Ey mang. Let me tell joo, we had a pretty good time last night, mang. The ROCKIES are pretty much a pushover, is what I is thinking. So today I spent, instead of practice, I went all around to do some chopping, like. I went to the Prudential Center in Boston first, and bought some pretty pimp clothes and stuff. Then I went to Tiffany’s, I wanted to get matching necklaces for me and my wife, one that said “Manny” and one that said “Juliana.” I axed them if they had two like that, and the guy laughed at me, mang. I looked in the mirror real fast to make sure I didn’t have extra Orange Julius all over my lips or anything, but I didn’t. I guess the guy was laughing, because he couldn’t believe Manny would be such a stand-up guy for his shorty, and all.

But then I get a call FROM RANDY MOSS! He says, ey mang, what’s up? I tell him to come chopping with me. He says OK and we’re GOING TO HANG OUT! I waits for heem and he finally shows up. I say to heem, looks like we is both going to be in the news for a while, mang. Me for winning the World Series and Moss for getting a perfect season (and maybe the Super Bowl too). So I proposes to him, maybe we needs to start a personal tradition to show everybody our friendship, like.

Randy thinks is a good idea, and everyting. He remembers, he thought it looked cool when ALLEN IVERSON wore just a sleeve on his arm, and it wasn’t attached to his uniform, or anything. I tink it’s a good idea for us to wear matching sleeves too, and if everybody saw it, they’d say ey mang, looks like MANNY and RANDY are friends and chopping buddies!

So we go to Filene’s, mang, and chops the sleeves off from some long sleeve tee shirts. Then we go to pay, like. I figure, even though we just buying the sleeves, they probably gonna charge us pretty close to full price for them. What a bummer, mang. But then Randy Moss sees a sign that says “WE HONOR COMPETITOR’S COUPONS.” He has a plan and says MANNY should pretend like he owns a clothing store, and make a coupon for my own store real fast. So I writes on a napkin from Subway that I had in my pocket (but I’m careful to write it on the back, like, so the logo doesn’t show): “MANNY’S STORE, FREE SLEEVES FOR ALL PRO ATHLETES. ONE PER CUSTOMER, MANG.”

We go to the check-out and the lady axes us why we only have the sleeves. We explain, and sho’nough, she wants to charge us full shirt price for them. So then MANNY presents the coupon, and the lady not accepts it. She says, if joo own a store, why don’t joo just take the sleeves from joor own store? And I says, crap, mang. Joo got me. I go caucus with Randy, and he says, let’s just forget it, mang. So it turns out, we did not get the sleeves at all, and our fans might never know what good friends we are, mang.

Is pretty sad, right? Well, I tink I gonna get over it. By crushing some fastballs from a guy named Ubaldo tonight, mang. Adios.

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Manny gets FOOD

Ey mang. We made the World Series, and everyting! And don’t joo worry, I is going to practice AND show up, and we’s gonna win. Joo better prepare for a sick party, OK? Speaking of sick parties, I’m sure joo guys found a bunch of pictures where we was all spraying champagne all over each other in the locker room, and drinking it, too. Well Manny had A LOT. So much that I ended up passing out in my bed, and next thing I know I wakes up at 10 AM and everybody is gone from my penthouse, mang. Wife, kids, LMontro who crashed with me, everybody.

I is pretty hungry, but also kinda sick still, so I calls room service to get some good food. ‘Cept I call, and nobody picks up! Manny guesses, he gots to feed himself. So I FIRES UP my INTERNET and searches my friend Google, for “how can I get a good breakfast around here by myself?”

It turns out there’s a lot (A LOT) of information on the web about restaurants all over the place, because bored people I guess, they write stupid little reviews about every place ever. Just look at this one:

http://www.h2otown.info/comment/reply/4623/374373

This toolbag’s stupid blog entry, called “Panera is sometimes a bummer”, is so horrible I had to put the whole thing up for joo to see here:

“Having a studio upstairs from Panera means they are convenient to nosh, but they are sometimes lame. They did forget to put strawberries on my strawberry salad this summer (and the pecans, too), they often forget my chips or give me bread instead but if I go down later and complain they give me the chips. Every day I receive a different size or type of cup for my iced coffee depending on who is handing them out (if they recognize me, they sometimes sneak me the big one, if they are a manager just the small one, sometimes clear, sometimes opaque). As I wait in line, I think either “I wish there was a different sandwich shop here,” or, “I hate you for getting rid of the chicken bacon dijon sandwich!” Sometimes I think, “If I didn’t have to get in my car or walk so far I’d get lunch at Strip Ts cuz it is so much better.” Panera sometimes really bums me out and I can tell from the faces around me that everyone else is thinking the same things I am as they wait in line. The Lunch at Work blogger is bored at lunch because of Panera. Go to Strip Ts. Which I would if I wasn’t so lazy.”

What a frigging loser, OK? Really, DO JOO FRIGGING CARE what type of cup joor iced coffee comes in? Really? And how much frigging time joo got, that it makes sense to spend some time out of joor day, to write all about it? I tell joo, people will write ANY WORTHLESS TRIPE on their blog, like. Frigging losers.

So anyways, let me tell joo all about MANNY’s SANDWICH! I got a one with tomato, and mozzarella, and pesto, and everyting. I axed them, please put some mustard and mayo on it, mang. The lady, she looked at me and said are you sure. So I said back OF COURSE Manny knows what he likes, joo know? How rude. So they do put the mustard and mayo on it FINALLY, and puts it in a bag for me, and I go back home, mang. But then, once I get home and opens the bag, it ends up all soggy, like. So if joo ever goes to Nancy’s in Copley, make sure Rita the fat old lady doesn’t make joor sandwich, cause she’ll do it wrong. OK?

Did joo like that story mang? Eating sammidges makes me happy, mang, even if they’re defective. Bye.

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Manny splains his comments to joo.

Ey mang. One of the first subjects I ever dealt with in this blog, mang, was talking bout why I never talks to the media, like, mang. Some of joo was like, Manny makes no sense! I never saw heem got tricked by a reporter, and everything! Well, perhaps some of joo heard the story, where some reporter axed me, what if joo guys lose and it was reported, Manny said, Who cares, is not the end of the world. Joo guys can see the “REPORT” here, mang:

http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2007/baseball/mlb/specials/playoffs/2007/10/18/bc.bba.alcs.ap/index.html

Oh mang, I don’t even know where to start with the ways this is wrong. Is completely out of context, like. Let’s take it and really dissect it, as if it’s a frog in high school biology, OK?

“We’re not going to give up,” Ramirez said. “It doesn’t happen, so who cares? There’s always next year. It’s not like it’s the end of the world.”

Joo guys ever see those Coors Light commercials where they is having a press conference and they ask questions, and then joo see the coach all mad and reacting in a funny way? Well to be honest, it’s fake, like. They take one piece of the video tape, where the guy axes a question, then they connect it (they call it splicing, I tink) with a real press conference video from the past. So what they can do, is look through old press conferences, and come up with funny questions after-the-fact. I tell joo, the reporters that day must of seen those commercials before, cause they was relying on my answers to different questions OUT OF CONTEXT for their article. Here’s the real conversation as it went down, mang:

DUMB REPORTER, MANG: “Manny, I heard that your family was planning a vacation to the Dominican Republic for Halloween, but if you make the World Series that isn’t going to happen, right?”

MANNY: “We’re not going to give up. It doesn’t happen, so who cares? There’s always next year. It’s not like it’s the end of the world.”

I THOUGHT it was weird that he would ax me about my vacations with my wife and kids, mang. Mang, I is always getting tricked like that. I is never talking to the media EVER AGAIN! No ways, nohow. Later.

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Manny learns bout EVENING

Ey mang. Is a big bummer how we lost to the Indians last night, mang. But losing games gives joo an opportunity to think and reflect, and everything, joo know? I has been thinking MOSTLY about evening, mang. No, not like the time of day, mang. Like, the gerund. As in “LMonstro is good at evening my hair after I try cut it myself, mang.” When the Indians evened the series with us, I said to myself, Manny, how else can joo do evening in your life? Is easy, mang, I can try to give MY BLOG READERS a look at how cool I can be, and then an example where I embarrass myself, and see an evening effect, and everything.

SO here is the COOL THING, joo can see mi amigo CRAZY JOE rapping, and me rapping, on the YouTube video here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Do1zNCl9NFo

Is mi amigo, joo should all go check heem out at crazyjoemusic-punto-com, like I say, mang. Shout out to La Fraga, like. Es para mi gente dominica, peace.

So that’s pretty cool, right? I is going to be a pretty serious rapper after retiring from beisbol, mang, and I making connections and establishing street cred now, mang. Is what MANNY CALLS good business sense, OK?

I bet everybody thinking, WOW, how cool is Manny, like. But I is got to even: and tell joo about an embarrassing ting that happened one time when the team was flying back to Boston after the season, like. This lady was like HEY MANNY AND PAPI, TAKE A PICTURE WITH ME and we didn’t know who she was and we didn’t want to get trouble in case she was somebody important. So we did it. And I admit, I kindasorta looked at her BOOBS during the shot. I’m especially embarrassed cause she’s not even hot or young, nubile, nothing like that at all. I gots to show this to joo guys, but promise not to spread it all around with joor friends, like, OK?

Manny looks at BOOBS

Oh, mang. I hurt just looking at that picture.

All that thinking about EVENING has cleansed my soul, mang. In and out. Harness good, block bad, like that guy from Happy Gilmore said, ebb and flow. Is good, mang, I think I gonna hit LIKE 3 DINGERS in Game 3, now. Just joo watch, like. Evening.

 

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Manny does a LIVE BLOG for JOO

Ey mang. How did joo guys like my TOWERING MOON SHOT to end Game 2? I bet Tito is real happy I didn’t end up missing the playoffs cause I forgot, mang.

I is going to try something new here: a live blog during the game, mang, no edits or anything. I hope I no get distracted. Here goes:

3:27: Ey mang! I is up at bat! This guy is trying to trick me, pitching me outside, but I not having it, mang. Ain’t nobody who can do that to me. Walk me, mang!

3:28 I HATE being on base, mang. I gots to pay attention, is he gonna hit it good or bad? If he hit it GOOD, I gots to run real fast to get to the next base, they tell me. BUT IF IT”S BAD I shouldn’t go nowheres. I tink it’s a little confusing. Especially when I’m the first batter then I got to watch, and run, then go back to watching, like. I is SO LUCKY to have DeMarlo there, mang. I gots to tell joo guys about him and me some other time.

3:41 Nobody ever hits it to left, mang! I don’t know whether or not that’s good. My mind wandering a little, mang. The word “wander” is a little weird, right? Could be an adjective, too. If joo are more wand than somebody else, joo are wander.

3:42 Oh no here comes the ball.

4:02 Cabrera got a funny stance, no? He kinda looks like a chicken or something when he’s up there. Especially since he lost a bunch of weight, I tink.

4:03 That guy was OUT, mang. I threw a freaking laser to Lowell, mang, and it was an out by about a MILE. I is gonna have to have some chatting with that ump, later. Is amazing, joo talk and talk to them, and they almost never changes their minds. Even if joo say, ey mang, I saw it, really, it has no effect, like they not paying attentions to me, mang.

4:07 BASES LOADED I don’t believe it.

4:09 BASES UNLOADED I still don’t believe it.

4:14 HERE I GO. BACK TO BACK, Manny and Papi. I prepared my little celebration with my arms just for my blog readers, mang, I hope joo liked it. Kaboom, like.

4:22 JD Drew is nowhere NEAR as good as Manny. I plays better, I makes more money, AND I have more kids. NO contest.

4:38 Game getting boring again, mang, when do I go back up? Is tired of seeing people walking and stealing, like. I like homers.

4:50 Here comes the ball again mang!

4:54 Oh mang could this be any more boring. Seriously, so many foul balls. I starting to think again. Joo guys know that guy Joey Chestnut? The guy who ate all the hot dogs? There’s no way that’s his real name, right? I mean, come on. Joey Chestnut? His real name is probably “Martin McGoob” or something stupid like that, I tink.

5:01 Go Papi, hit another dinger!

5:02 Papi walked, here goes MANNY except now I have to face some other douchebag pitcher. I’s gonna give him my ANGRY face to intimidate heem.

5:08 Crap mang.

5:19 In the dugout Schilling was all like STOP BLOGGING MANG the game is happening. I is like, no, and also, why is joo not writing in your blog, or letting me make comments on your blog too? I’m not mad at heem though, cause he’s pitching pretty good.

5:23 Striking out the side? See is wasn’t me sucking that I got out on this guy, mang, he struck out a bunch of people after me.

5:30 I can’t believe Coco dropped that catch, what the H. He should be cut, MANNY would of had that in a second.

5:44 Things are getting intense mang! A pitching change and everything. I has been thinking, what should the RAMIREZ family give away for Halloween this year? I thinking, sometimes joo get teenagers, who joo know DRINK. So why not just give them beer? Cept joo also know that young kids always get hung over, like, so why not also give them Tylenol with it for the next day? But also going to a WHOLE NOTHER LEVEL, why not just save them the trouble, and mix liquid Tylenol with it? I think I give that away this year, but only to teenagers.

5:48 Man, I didn’t see Pedroia’s hit cause I was busy putting more deodorant on in the bathroom. What a suck, mang. At least I smell good.

5:52 Time to finish this, mang! I’s gonna hit a BIG dinger.

5:56 Awesome, I don’t got to run! Go, rookie, go.

6:03 The fat lady’s water just broke, mang. 9-0. Can I get on the plane home now mang?

Well with that I stopping writing, mang… I gots to get ready for the party, mang! See joo guys later.

2 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized