Ey mang. We is ONE STEP CLOSER! All we gots to do is win tonight, and we win the freakin’ World Series, and everyting. It’s super exciting cause JON LESTER gets to pitch tonight. And only a year after getting a cancer. Someday, they will write a movie (or maybe just an off-Broadway play) about how inspiring it is, like. But, I tink I is gonna be a bit distracted tonight, like, by someone else’s disease – let me splain.
Maybe some of joo is axing, why isn’t Wakefield pitching? Yeah, he’s the normal fourth pitcher. BUT he’s hurt. Joor next question probably is someting like, how is he not better yet? And I tink, joo are right. How can he possibly be hurt when all he does is throw knuckleballs? Well luckily for us I called Wakefield and we got together in my hotel room last night to talk things over.
While we was sitting in my room having a drink, we was reminiscing about this one hottie that Wake slept with just before the season ended. He met her at one of the clubs on Lansdowne and she said she was a stripper! Wake ended up taking her to the Fenway clubhouse, since it was just across the street, and doing her up.
But then, talking last night, he gave another detail. He said Manny, I did that chick RAW DOG (like, without a condom). I remember growing up, my daddy always told me, don’t ever bang nobody without a rubber, specially strippers, mang. Now that Wake told me what he did, I pretty concerned.
And then it hits me.
MAYBE WAKE’S SHOULDER NOT GETTING BETTER, CUZ HE GOT AIDS.
Holy crap, mang, this ain’t no joking around, like. Seriously, if joo got AIDS, joo can’t heal right. Joo can get a disease that is normally not serious, but then it becomes super serious because AIDS attacks joor ammune system.
So once I tell Wake dis, I do what any good friend would do to help: I help Wakefield diagnose hisself on WebMD, like. We sign on and starts answering all the website’s questions:
- Are you sick? YES
- Are you sniffling? YEAH
- Do you have a headache? YES MANG
- How long have you had symptoms? TWO MONTHS
- What else hurts? SHOULDER AND CROTCH
- Do you have uncontrollable diarrhea? NO
- Do you frequently have sweats and chills? ALL THE TIME
- Have you recently had unprotected sex, a blood transfusion, or have you been scratched by an animal from Africa? THE FIRST ONE, I BANGED THIS CHICK I FOUND
That was all the questions. After that, it gave us the diagnosis with some likelihoods in percents.
“You likely have:
· AIDS (81%)
· Malaria (7%)
· Typhoid (4%)
· Rheumatoid Arthritis (3%)
· Cholera (2%)
· Shingles (1%)
· Black Plague (1%)
· Priapism (1%)”
Oh my god. 81% is pretty good. Wake is going to the hospital soon to figure out if he really got AIDS. I gonna be tinking about this all night, so forgive me if I miss some plays in left field or on the basepaths tonight, mang. Wake looking pretty brave, though – what a trooper, mang.