Ey mang. So on Sunday I promised, that I would tell all joo guys about the HAIRCUT ADVENTURE we had where LMontro cut Varitek’s hair in the hotel at Tampa. Was a really good time, mang! So here’s the story.
LMontro says me and Papi and Coco can only watch if we all bring some strong liquor and participate in his song that he’s gonna sing for Tek, mang. I think it’s a GREAT IDEA. So we all heads off with our verses and booze. LMontro with his fifth of Jack, me with a bottle of Tanqueray, Papi with about 50 little bottles of various crap from his room’s minibar, and Coco with Apple Puckers. I was like, Apple Puckers, mang? You hoping to lure some high school chicks to your room later, mang? Joo carry that stuff with you all the time, just in case?
Anyways we all knock on Tek’s door and LMontro fires up his boombox again. Jason answers the door, laughs and shakes his head. Let’s do this quick, he says and sits down in a chair in the middle of the room. FIRST, LMontro says, we all gotta do a shot, mang! So LMontro mixes all of the liquor we got together in Tek’s room’s ice bucket, and just smelling it I think I gonna puke, like. He gives us each a double shot, and we all gulp it down. LMontro and Tek have a little trouble with it, and even me, when I done with it, it felt like a thousand of little slugs were having a war in my tummy with a thousand frogs. Was not like anything I ever did before, I tell joo that!
So once we’s done with that, LMontro was all like HOLD UP, now it’s time for a song. Varitek cracking up, honestly. So we all does our song:
LMONTRO: Yo, Jason, you’s such a square
Now I’ve come to cut yo hair!
MANNY: Maybe we’ll do a Mohawk, mang
Or maybe we’ll let a mullet hang!
PAPI: I’d like to see his head shaved bald
Though the razor burn would probably scald!
COCO: Now that we’ve confused you, somewhat
I’ll end this with an Elizabethan doublet!
We didn’t have a proper cloth to cover Tek with, so Coco threw this weird looking tight-fitting jacket at him and Tek put it on. LMontro went to work and was done in like 5 minutes! I took a picture of Tek afterwards, here’s what it looks like:
When LMontro was done, he was all like, look everybody, I left an L on his head, I signed my work, LMONTRO, mang! And then I was like, no way mang, the L is for LOSER! Then Coco chimes in, he said no, it’s for CAPTAIN LOSER! We all had a good laugh at that one, mang. ‘Cept Varitek, I think he was crying in the mirror.
Oh mang, I tell joo, that was like the funnest thing I did all year, mang. Ain’t nobody who knows how to party like LMontro, mang.