Ey mang. I did pretty good tonight in the game, what did joo guys tink? I’s a professional ballplayer. I still buggin over my haircut, mang, but I tink I got some sort of Samson and Delilah ting going on. Except in reverse, like. I cut off my hair, and all of a sudden I hitting home runs and stuff.
So I called up the hospital before the game today, and said, ey mang, how is LMonstro doing? And they was all like, today he was twitching his hands, mang. Apparently that’s a good sign. They was all saying, maybe his brain stem was the only part alive, and maybe LMonstro wouldn’t be able to think any more ever again. Could you imagine? Is some scary stuff, mang, so LMonstro all in my prayers to baby Jesus, like. Baby Jesus can do anything.
So now that LMonstro got comatose by a freak accident, I taking responsibility for players’ well being. I is like a Grandpa for the Red Sox now. The other night I was watching the DISCOVERY CHANNEL and I heard this RUMOR that this one guy who played golf had a nervous habit where he would walk around and chew on the tees in his bag. BUT IT TURNED OUT THAT ONE TIME he died. Because they was all PESTICIDIZING the golf course and the chemicals got on the tees! Then when he chewed them he got little cancers I guess, and they teamed up on him and choked him. Frigging scary, right?
Well it reminded me, joo know, maybe joo shouldn’t eat tings off the ground and the grass. So I was tinking, who do I know who does that, who can I protect? I remember WILY MO PENA always chewing on his bat and stuff. So I figure it’s a good idea to let Wily Mo know, but then I thinks twice. I was like, lots of tings I see on TV turn out to be LIES. So I better go to a better source, joo know? So I FIRES UP my INTERNET. Turns out the story’s true:
I read it with my own two eyes, and I was like NO WAY, I better CALL WILY MO posthaste, mang! I call him and tell him the scoop. He’s like, don’t worry, there’s no danger, no pesticide on the bat! He says, Manny not a doctor, so he not listening to me!
I seriously worried about Wily Mo, mang. There’s probably VIRUSES and CANCERS and MAD COWS running all up and down his veins, and he just going to continue POLLUTING himself until he dies! Please, please, please, if joo guys see Wily Mo anywhere, tell him, mang, STOP CHEWING YOUR BAT!!!!!!!!!!!!111111111 Is serious.
P.S. A lot of people writing in, saying they never heard of LMonstro. Joo guys freaking blind, mang? I put him on TV and everyting, check it out: