Ey mang. Is Manny writing the blog again, mang! I is so honored to be able to share my thoughts and feelings with all joo. How many of joo guys know my buddy L Monstro? Is a good friend of me and some of the other Sox, mang. Maybe you seen him in segments on NESN. He takes care of my hair, Papi’s beard, eggcedra, eggcedra. He absolutely the BEST BARBER in the land, no fooling.
So I was driving around in my Range Rover today, coming back home from the Orange Julius stand. I had a Julius sitting in between my legs, and the next thing joo know I HIT A BUMP and spill the Jewels all over my car, mang! I pull over to the side of the road to clean things up, and I look at my hair in the rear view mirror. Something’s off, mang. I all like, unbalanced, joo know? For some reason, my hair just looks different to me and I think I needs a haircut. If I gonna play good, I gots to have my mojo running at high on the meter. So right then and there, mang, I decide, I need a change.
Once I get the Jewels cleaned up (so much taste… wasted) I get driving again and use my magic HANDS FREE CAR PHONE to call L Monstro. Joo can just tell the car who you want to call and it gets in touch with them. I was all like, yo, call L Monstro, mang. At first I thought the car phone broke because this chick picked up the phone. But then, I find out it’s L Monstro’s lady, mang! Turns out L Monstro in the hospital, like. Apparently he was in the bathtub being a big pimp like usual, except this time he had some mad tunes playing right next to the tub, mang. He ended up knocking the stereo into the tub and now he’s got electrical shockings or some crap like that.
I hope L Monstro OK, mang! But they said he’s in critical condition so no visits from MANNY. So I say to myself, I says mang, what would L Monstro want joo to do?
The answer obvious, mang. I gots to adjust my hair myself. So I make a DETOUR and pick up some hair clippers and supplies at the Target, mang. People see me, but they all like, yo, no way that’s Manny! Why would he go outside with an orange stain on his pants? So nobody bothered me, mang. I’s a master of disguise like that, OK?
So I goes home and takes a little off the top, joo know? But I gots to be honest, I not so good at L Monstro’s trade. Pretty soon I looking like Bart Simpson, or that guy Janet Reno, or something. So I figure, I gots to stop. And I bring Manny Jr. and Manny Jr. over to me, mang. I tell them, listen, joo guys gots to buy Daddy a wig so he looks like himself, OK? They went to the Garment District and found something pretty good. Luckily I got it by gametime. What did joo guys think? Did my wig look ridiculous or did it fit in pretty good? My kids, they got good taste, right?
The moral of the story: L MONSTRO GET WELL SOON! I’m freaking dying without joo, mang.
P.S. Coco hit a grand slam tonight, mang. I TOLD JOO GUYS LAST POST that when I put pee-pee all over his hands, it would work. I’s like freaking Nostradamus, mang. When I retire I think I’m gonna be a manager.