Ey mang. I tired, joo know? Was a long trip to the West Coast, and plus I GOT HIT with a pitch tonight. And the worst part, I didn’t get out of the game in time to get a fresh Orange Julius, mang. I know when all the stands close by heart now, mang. I was complaining about it all night in the dugout, and Lowell, he busting on me for it. Seriously though, I been missing it, I jonesing, mang. On to your questions, OK?
Manny, what do you think about Barry Bonds? Is he juiced or what? I still can’t believe we’re talking about him chasing Aron’s record when he’s clearly cheating?
I gots to admit, I getting some dumb questions now, mang. This other guy, he axed me this dumb question,
Manny, are you getting an iphone?
So either I answer nonsense questions about orthodontic equipment, mang, or I answer about my good friend Barry. I ain’t letting nobody talk to my eyes anyway. So here goes.
Yeah, Barry my friend, mang. Me and him go way back. He not cheating, he just enjoying the game. There’s one thing Barry and I gots in common: we’s dessert aficionados. This one time we was eating together in a clubhouse, and he offers me some Cool Whip for my pie. ‘Cept it was in this toothpaste-tube-looking container, and he called it “the cream”, mang. And it tasted like Neosporin or some crap, seriously. I think it was spoiled, a little too long in the cupboard, joo know? Once I smeared it all over my pie, though, I kept eating the whole thing so Barry no feel bad, mang. But it was tough to make it through, and he was giving me these weird looks. I think he knew I didn’t like it. I never take food advice from Barry since then.
ey mang! How come coco crisp sucks so bad? The guy is [freaking] terrible. In little league I sucked until my dad bought me batting gloves, then it stopped hurting to bat and I did much better. Can you buy coco some gloves or something?
Yo mang, joo know why I picked this question? Because is about batting gloves. Ain’t nobody who CARES about your success in Little League, mang. Anyways, a bunch of good batters no wear batting gloves. But joo know something? If joo no wear them, joo gotta toughen up your hands somehow, mang. Joo can never even guess how Guerrero and Posada do it, mang.
They sit in the shower, mang…. And they pee all over their hands.
Seriously, is not a joke. One time a couple years ago I go up to bat against the Jankees, I ask Jorge, is it true you pee on your hands all the time? He said yeah, mang. I couldn’t even believe it, and one of Mussina’s pitches went right by me while I was figuring it all out. Strike one. Anyway, joo know, Jorge hitting real good this year, right? So I ax him one time this spring, you peeing on your hands a whole lot this year, mang? And he says, yeah, everytime I shower, for good luck. The more urine on your hands, the better joo do, apparently, like.
Maybe this is Coco’s problem, mang. Maybe his hands just not tough enough, joo know? Manny thinking, now, mang. I gotta help out my teammate. Maybe, I save up all my pee-pee for a week in a Stadium Pal, mang, then pour it over Coco’s hands sometime before he can look. Might help his injured thumb, too, mang. Joo guys know what a Stadium Pal is, mang? Look it here: http://www.stadiumpal.com/
If next week, Coco starts going on a tear, mang, joo all can thank MANNY. I gots to go drink lots of Coronas and Orange Juliuses so I can make lots of pee-pee, OK? Peace.