Ey mang. Manny always getting axed questions, and people starting to catch on that I don’t like questions dealing with the game. I just don’t want to give away my secrets, joo know? I got a lot of secret things about the way I play this game, and ain’t nobody gonna infiltrate my thinking, OK? Well anyway, today I got this question from this guy, he got a press credential on, so I answer him. We axed me, is there anybody on the Sox I don’t get along with? So I gotta be honest, mang. There’s only one guy on the roster now I don’t get along with: Brendan Donnelly.
Joo know that Donnelly wears these tool-bag glasses, right? So things started when he signed on this season. In Spring Training, I ragging on him the same way I rag on everybody. I got nicknames for everybody, mang. I tell you the rest of them some other time, but I call Brendan “4Eyes”, then “Urkel”, then I call him “Nerdface”. Is simple, but is accurate, mang. Most people, they take it pretty good, joo know? They give me crap back, and we bond. Is cool. Manny got a lot of friends now. But every once in a while, mang, guys take it real serious. They axing, how come Manny ragging on me? How come he don’t like me? Who is he to rag on me like I in middle school again, mang? Sometimes they even tell Tito and we have problems on our hands, mang.
So Donnelly taking it real rough, mang. He says, we professionals, and he has some choice UNREPEATABLE words for me, OK? Manny gots to teach this NEW GUY a lesson. So I play a little prank on Donnelly, like I do sometimes to guys who need it. Seriously, I do it all the time. Like when Renteria came to Boston, mang, FIRST NIGHT, he eating a pint of Haagen-Dasz in the clubhouse! I got some spare change from the batboy, and when Edgar went to the bathroom, I stuck coins in his ice cream, then, made the top all smooth like, so it looked like nothing happened. He go back to eating, and when he bit into one, mang, it was CRAZY funny, mang. He got all worked up and we was all laughing in the corner. He stormed away, had some nasty words for Manny, and said Manny need psychological help. Hey Edgar, I say to him, I say, at least I don’t look like an ant, mang. Seriously, his eyes are super far apart, mang. Ever notice that?
So anyway, back to what I did to Brendan, OK? One time he was playing catch and put his NERD SPECS down to go get some water. There was this kid named Cooper hanging out near the field, like five years old, he was one of Theo’s friend’s kids. So I take the NERD SPECS to Cooper, and put them on him, and I say, give us your best Donnelly impression, mang. He didn’t know what to do so I instructed him. When Brendan came back, Cooper did a good job, being all like “Duh, I’m a huge nerd, mang!” Brendan got annoyed and said he needed his specs for practice, and I was all like, too bad, mang! Cooper ran away like I told him, and I was like, listen Brendan, you need to bring more than one pair, mang! You never know when you gonna lose one.
So Brendan gets real pissed now, right? He starts all chucking baseballs at my crotch! Seriously, is getting out of control, mang. For real, my junk is insured with Lloyd’s of London for $3M, mang. Eventually Tavarez restrains him, mang, but you can tell, he no happy.
That’s my story, mang. I a good teammate, no?