MANNY visits RANDY MOSS

Ey mang. Sorry for not updating the blog on time, mang. Joo guys remember when my wife suggested that me and Randy Moss and Kevin Garnett and Eric Win all go out Saturday night? Well we did, and mang, since then, I been not feeling so hot, joo know? As not affected my playing ability so much, I tink, but I feeling like total crap, mang.

Anyways, mang, as joo probably know, on Saturday me and Eric Win was in Seattle, mang. Garnett, he gots no problem getting out there. But I TALKS TO Randy Moss on the phone before the team left for Seattle and here is our conversation:

MANNY: Ey mang.
RANDY: Hi Manny! Listen, about Saturday, I’m not sure I can make it all the way out to the West Coast.
MANNY: No way, mang! We needs you! Joo is gonna be one of the stars in Boston next year.
RANDY: Maybe, but let’s not be presumptuous, OK? I hurt my leg the other day and I haven’t been practicing… it never pays to be overconfident.
MANNY: Perfect, mang! If joo can’t practice, joo can fly out to SEATTLE and go BALLIN with us.
RANDY: Come on, Manny. Coach Belichick asked me to be with the team even if I can’t run around.
MANNY: Like, OMG, mang. Joo gonna listen to him?
RANDY: Yes, Manny. I’m a member of the Patriots now, and I take my job very seriously.
MANNY: No way, mang. I’m coming over! *click*

I goes to his house, mang, and he’s all up in his LIBRARY with the FIREPLACE GOING hanging out in a SMOKING JACKET with GLASSES ON and sitting in a BARCALOUNGER. And plus he’s reading some book, mang. I ax him, what book is that mang? And he says, Manny, it’s a diary of an offensive lineman with Vince Lombardi’s Packers. He wants to get “an appreciation for the toilings of those with less glorious roles on the gridiron” or some junk like that, mang. So naturally I is all just speechless, with my jaw on the floor at this point, mang. I was all like, who are joo, and what have joo done with Randy Moss, mang?

He says, listen Manny, I really gots to stay in town, nothing matters to me more than gaining the trust and respect of my teammates. And I SAYS listen mang, when are we going to be able to get you and me and KG and Eric Win all together ever again? Probably like never, mang, so let’s go, OK? And Randy says no, I can’t. So I decides to appeal to his emotions, OK? Joo guys ever watch that show Arrested Development? Is like my favorite, mang. Anyways, on that show sometimes the main character’s family taunt him by doing a CHICKEN DANCE, see it here, mang:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RdbZRST2Byw&mode=related&search=

Every single time it works on the show, so I gets the idea to do this to RANDY MOSS! I do it and I puts two hands on my head for the ears, kick around and go all “clucka, clucka, CLUCK CLUCK CLUCK!” over and over again. I do it for a good long while, mang, and Randy’s face goes from anxious to confused, to bewildered back to anxious then he finally puts his hand out to stop me. He says, if I come to Seattle with you guys, do you promise to do that dance in a game for me?

I was like, hmm, let me tink a second, OF COURSE MANG. So Randy ponders for a little while. He looks over at this picture of Belichick that he has now on his mantle, then looks back at me. I put my hands on my head all chicken-like and he smiles, and then agrees to come along. I was PSYCHED!

Listen mang, I getting a little fatigued here, joo know? A lot of tings went down this weekend. I fill joo guys in on the party itself next post, OK? Later, mang.

Manny WELCOMES his newest TEAMMATE

Ey mang. Joo guys hear the news? The Red Sox got Eric Gagné. Is ridiculous. Now we got as many good arms as Goro from Mortal Kombat. Seriously. And that’s on TOP OF the Celtics getting Kevin Garnett on a trade too. Might as well call them the “Sell-Tix.” (Is Manny being clever, mang.) Anyways, normally I don’t like Canadians, mang, and I know joo all is waiting to hear, how I getting along with Gagné?

Turns out I like him OK! So I sees Eric in the clubhouse yesterday and introduce myself. I says, Ey mang! And he says Bonjour. Oh and by the way Lowell is there too. Lowell says, hey Manny, guess what, Eric’s last name means WIN in French. And I says to Eric, REALLY? and he was like OUI, BIEN SUR. I dunno what the hell that means but I thought this was perfect, mang, just a few nights ago we anoint Captain Loser (that’s Varitek, see the last post I made mang), and now we gots Eric Win. Not only that but Captain Loser is the catcher so sometimes it’ll be Win throwing to Loser. Ja ja ja, mang. Maybe we can shave a W into Eric Win’s head and everything.

So Tito comes in and starts talking to me and Eric Win and Lowell. He mumbled something and it sounded like “I squeezed the grapefruit juice.” So nobody really heard him and we were all looking at each other like we normally do after we don’t understand something Tito said. Finally Eric Win pipes up and says “Eh, mang”? And Lowell just starts cracking up. Terry wants to know what’s so funny so Lowell tells him, that’s Manny’s line, “ey mang.” And Eric Win says give me a break, I’m Canadian, eh? But is true, mang, is my line. So I guess me and Eric Win, though we two different guys, we really speak the same language, joo know?

When I get home to the Ritz, mang, I tell Juliana all dis. She says, why don’t you get together with Eric Win, AND Kevin Garnett, AND Randy Moss and welcome everybody to Boston? I says, baby I says, that’s a great idea. So I calls up all those guys and says mang, let’s go out. They all say YES so we’s all painting the town red Saturday night. I write all about it Monday, OK? Later, mang.

The Haircut ADVENTURE!!!!!!

Ey mang. So on Sunday I promised, that I would tell all joo guys about the HAIRCUT ADVENTURE we had where LMontro cut Varitek’s hair in the hotel at Tampa. Was a really good time, mang! So here’s the story.

LMontro says me and Papi and Coco can only watch if we all bring some strong liquor and participate in his song that he’s gonna sing for Tek, mang. I think it’s a GREAT IDEA. So we all heads off with our verses and booze. LMontro with his fifth of Jack, me with a bottle of Tanqueray, Papi with about 50 little bottles of various crap from his room’s minibar, and Coco with Apple Puckers. I was like, Apple Puckers, mang? You hoping to lure some high school chicks to your room later, mang? Joo carry that stuff with you all the time, just in case?

Anyways we all knock on Tek’s door and LMontro fires up his boombox again. Jason answers the door, laughs and shakes his head. Let’s do this quick, he says and sits down in a chair in the middle of the room. FIRST, LMontro says, we all gotta do a shot, mang! So LMontro mixes all of the liquor we got together in Tek’s room’s ice bucket, and just smelling it I think I gonna puke, like. He gives us each a double shot, and we all gulp it down. LMontro and Tek have a little trouble with it, and even me, when I done with it, it felt like a thousand of little slugs were having a war in my tummy with a thousand frogs. Was not like anything I ever did before, I tell joo that!

So once we’s done with that, LMontro was all like HOLD UP, now it’s time for a song. Varitek cracking up, honestly. So we all does our song:

LMONTRO: Yo, Jason, you’s such a square

Now I’ve come to cut yo hair!

MANNY: Maybe we’ll do a Mohawk, mang

Or maybe we’ll let a mullet hang!

PAPI: I’d like to see his head shaved bald

Though the razor burn would probably scald!

COCO: Now that we’ve confused you, somewhat

I’ll end this with an Elizabethan doublet!

We didn’t have a proper cloth to cover Tek with, so Coco threw this weird looking tight-fitting jacket at him and Tek put it on. LMontro went to work and was done in like 5 minutes! I took a picture of Tek afterwards, here’s what it looks like:

When LMontro was done, he was all like, look everybody, I left an L on his head, I signed my work, LMONTRO, mang! And then I was like, no way mang, the L is for LOSER! Then Coco chimes in, he said no, it’s for CAPTAIN LOSER! We all had a good laugh at that one, mang. ‘Cept Varitek, I think he was crying in the mirror.

Oh mang, I tell joo, that was like the funnest thing I did all year, mang. Ain’t nobody who knows how to party like LMontro, mang.

Manny makes a wager!

Ey mang. Joo guys know that not too long ago we were playing just mediocrely, right? Well then we went to CLEVELANDS and won three out of four, so even though we had a quick flight out, Tito took us all out for dinner beforehand. Is was SUPER SPECIAL time especially cause this was LMONTRO’s first team event back from his coma. But me, him, and Varitek all got to the Applebee’s late, so we all had to sit alone together in a booth. Me, LMontro, and Varitek. Jason looked a little uncomfortable, mang. He no like me, I think.

So after a little uncomfortable silence, we was saying to Jason, joo should let LMontro cut your hair, mang. And the Sox captain just started LAUGHING, mang. LMontro would do a good job, OK? Everybody knows that but Varitek is too much of a woos to get an AWESOME haircut, I guess. So I decides to spices things up a little. I says, Tek, I make joo a bet. We flip a coin. If it lands heads, LMONTRO gets to cut YOUR HEAD of hair, like. But if it lands tails, LMONTRO has to sniff your tails (butt) like a dog. Tek laughs to himself, and says OK Manny, let’s do that, mang. LMontro all looking at me like please, no, mang. But I gots a trick up my sleeve, like always. I got a coin, it is HEADS ON BOTH SIDES! I flips it, and Varitek knows his fate, mang.

There’s no time to cut his hair before the plane takes off, so we agrees to do it at the hotel in Tampa, mang. So I tells EVERYBODY. Papi and Coco tells me that they want to come into Tek’s room and watch, so I says OK, like. So we get into the hotel, and I’m not there for a half hour watching Ninja Warrior til I gets a KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK on the door. I is hearing bass and mad tunes outside the door, too. I opens it up, and lo and behold, it’s LMontro, with these boss sunglasses on, a crazy 80’s-style boom box on his shoulder, and a fifth of Jack in his other hand!

LMontro tells me, he’s going to pay Jason a visit now, and me and Papi and Coco can all come watch, BUT. The but is that we gotta all make a song, and bring a bottle of booze with us, so we can mix it all together and do crazy strong shots to celebrate! I is like OK, how are we gonna make a song? Is simple, he says. Each of us makes a couple lines, and we all sings it together. I was like, well fine, what is your lines, mang? He says:

Yo, Jason, you’s such a square

Now I’ve come to cut yo hair!

I was all like, ja ja ja, mang! Is perfect. So we goes around, and collects Coco and Papi and a bunch of booze, and head over to Tek’s room with LMontro’s clippers.

What happens next, mang? I give you a full recount, and pictures, on Tuesday, mang. Joo guys like the suspense, or what? Ja ja ja. Laterz, mangz.

LMonstro’s MIRACULOUS RECOVERY

Ey mang. Great news! A couple days ago my boy LMONSTRO recovered from his coma, mang. I got a call from him as I was trying to convince Manny Jr. to eat some Dino Nuggets. I nearly dropped the phone, I was so surprised! I had no idea that you could, like, go from being in a FREAKING COMA to being FULLY operational in a couple days. Seriously. ‘Cept he got some sort of speech impediment going on, so joo can tell he wasn’t all there. Here’s how our call went down:

MANNY: EY mang!

LMONSTRO: Fup bro. It’s LMontro, dawg. I’m all healthy and crap! Let’f go thelebrate!

MANNY: Ey mang, what’s the matter with your speech, mang? Joo can’t say your esses anymore?

LMONSTRO: Dat’f right, mang. They told me that I can’t thpeak my effef tho good anymore. The electrical thockings, they messed with my tongue and made it all rigid all the time, like.

MANNY: You mean to tell me joo got a PERMANENT TONGUE BONER?

LMONSTRO: Yeah, I gueff tho.

So we goes out to celebrate. And by out, I mean we goes down to the hotel bar at the Ritz-Carlton. We have some drinks, mang, and we try to figure out how to get LMonstro’s speech back. We think, popsicles? Or maybe eating some circus peanuts? Or maybe if we get him super drunk, like, he’ll relax, and his tongue boner will be gone. Before we can do any research, this reporter from the GLOBE saw me and him and says he wants to do a story on LMonstro, mang. So LMonstro gives an interview, even without his esses! Ay dios mio!

Joo guys want to hear something hilarious? The GLOBE ran the story today, and they’re actually calling him “LMontro”, without the S, like! Ja ja ja! So me and Papi, we decide right then and there, that from here on in, LMonstro is gonna be LMontro. It’s his new name! Like when Megatron became Galvatron, joo guys remember that? Joo can see the Globe story here:

http://www.boston.com/sports/baseball/redsox/articles/2007/07/25/red_sox_connecting_with_their_cut_off_man/?page=1

That story gives some story about how he shortened his name, but it ain’t right, mang, like most of the stuff the Globe runs. Joo wonder why I never talk to them? Inaccuracies in like every other paragraph, mang. BUT NOW, THANKS TO MANNY’S BLOG, joo guys know the truth. Peace.

Manny needs PARENTAL HELP

Ey mang. Did joo guys catch the last post? I hired this editor guy to write it up all fancy like, but then I read it again, and I didn’t like it. So I fired him, mang. I figured, really, it’s not like you can edit genius, anyway.

Man, do I have a story for you guys. I am seriously needing some advice here from anybody who gots kids. It’s a predicament, like. So yesterday Manny Jr. and Manny Jr. were hanging out with Papi’s son (aka Little Papi), at Papi’s house. Except, Papi had this super old dog, mang. And it had several cancers in it or whatever, and it was at the end of its rope. Its name was Baloncesto. It went into the backyard when the kids were playing TV tag. Joo guys remember that game? To get freed by somebody else, you had to name a show, it was the best. The kids were having fun playing it, but then there was a big noise when Baloncesto went PLOP! over on his back and died. It wasn’t breathing, and the kids knew it was dead. But PAPI, the big dork, he comes out and tells the kids that Baloncesto was just sleeping. He said he was gonna take him inside and put him on a bed.

So did joo guys see my family up in the Green Monster last night for the game? They was all up there, mang, even Manny Jr. and Manny Jr. I was so happy to have everybody there, that I decide afterwards, we’re all gonna go to the new Popeye’s near Fenway, mang. I order chicken nuggets for Manny Jr. and Manny Jr., and we sit down to eat. I tried to get them to eat the nuggets, but they said NO. They were scared that the CHICKEN NUGGETS were just sleeping, instead of dead. I was like GUYS, THAT’S RIDICULOUS. But then they told me about David saying that Baloncesto was just sleeping. They was seriously thinking that animals can disguise themselves as dead, and then wake up in your stomach, like.  Like that could really happen, especially if you make sure to chew them all up. I tried to reason with them, but LIKE USUAL it didn’t work so good.

Anybody out there ever deal with anything like this? Kids worrying about dead animals waking up? Let me know, mang, and I’ll buy you an Orange Julius or something, OK?

Entertaining, yet harmful, escapades

Greetings, ladies and gentlemen. I am pleased to report a piece of happy news. I, Manny Ramirez, have taken the liberty of hiring a recorder/editor to improve the quality of the content in this weblog. I hope to engage my audience at a more visceral level, providing more accurate and entertaining descriptions of the follies that befall me in my daily life. In addition, I seek to make this “blog” more accessible to new readers, to bolster my readership. Mr. Ivan Teetpize has agreed to serve as editor of this blog, and for this I am very grateful.

Verily, a tale of woe befell me this very morning. Bathing in the tub in my home, I was struck with remembrance of my dear friend LMonstro, who remains hospitalized and in a coma. At that very moment, I clasped my hands together to form an orison to our Lord, beseeching Him for a quick recovery for LMonstro. Since my eyes were closed, I was unaware when my beloved son Manny Jr. entered the bathroom with a Super Soaker filled with motor oil.

There I lay, in the bathtub, suds caressing my shoulders and back, mouth wide open begging Jesus for help. Just three feet away, the fruit of my loins, whom I and my beautiful bride created from dust, took aim at my open mouth as if I were a common, clown-shaped carnival amusement.

When Manny Jr. fired his petrochemical payload into my gaping maw, I was instantly roused from my reverie. My taste buds revolted, having never tasted such vileness before. I exclaimed, “Pluh!” I then hopped out of the tub to chase my son and give him a taste of his own medicine. However, I slipped on a rubber duck toy on the floor, and fell backwards onto my head. Words cannot describe how unfortunate I felt at this moment. As I slowly lost consciousness, I cried out for help, but none came.

I awoke to the sound of my cellular telephone, and somehow managed to crawl over to the sink to answer it. Terry Francona, the Red Sox manager, beckoned me to Fenway Park to play against the Kansas City Royals. Luckily, I was able to find the keys to my car and make it in time for the first pitch. Thank Providence! I never did find my son, and I intend to speak with him when I get home. I will make sure to inform you of the proceedings.

Manny educating HIMSELF AND OTHERS

Ey mang. I did pretty good tonight in the game, what did joo guys tink? I’s a professional ballplayer. I still buggin over my haircut, mang, but I tink I got some sort of Samson and Delilah ting going on. Except in reverse, like. I cut off my hair, and all of a sudden I hitting home runs and stuff.

So I called up the hospital before the game today, and said, ey mang, how is LMonstro doing? And they was all like, today he was twitching his hands, mang. Apparently that’s a good sign. They was all saying, maybe his brain stem was the only part alive, and maybe LMonstro wouldn’t be able to think any more ever again. Could you imagine? Is some scary stuff, mang, so LMonstro all in my prayers to baby Jesus, like. Baby Jesus can do anything.

So now that LMonstro got comatose by a freak accident, I taking responsibility for players’ well being. I is like a Grandpa for the Red Sox now. The other night I was watching the DISCOVERY CHANNEL and I heard this RUMOR that this one guy who played golf had a nervous habit where he would walk around and chew on the tees in his bag. BUT IT TURNED OUT THAT ONE TIME he died. Because they was all PESTICIDIZING the golf course and the chemicals got on the tees! Then when he chewed them he got little cancers I guess, and they teamed up on him and choked him. Frigging scary, right?

Well it reminded me, joo know, maybe joo shouldn’t eat tings off the ground and the grass. So I was tinking, who do I know who does that, who can I protect? I remember WILY MO PENA always chewing on his bat and stuff. So I figure it’s a good idea to let Wily Mo know, but then I thinks twice. I was like, lots of tings I see on TV turn out to be LIES. So I better go to a better source, joo know? So I FIRES UP my INTERNET. Turns out the story’s true:

 

http://www.snopes.com/horrors/poison/golftee.asp

I read it with my own two eyes, and I was like NO WAY, I better CALL WILY MO posthaste, mang! I call him and tell him the scoop. He’s like, don’t worry, there’s no danger, no pesticide on the bat! He says, Manny not a doctor, so he not listening to me!

I seriously worried about Wily Mo, mang. There’s probably VIRUSES and CANCERS and MAD COWS running all up and down his veins, and he just going to continue POLLUTING himself until he dies! Please, please, please, if joo guys see Wily Mo anywhere, tell him, mang, STOP CHEWING YOUR BAT!!!!!!!!!!!!111111111 Is serious.

P.S. A lot of people writing in, saying they never heard of LMonstro. Joo guys freaking blind, mang? I put him on TV and everyting, check it out:

http://www.boston.com/partners/worldnow/nesn/landingpage.html?clipId=1502615&topVideoCatNo=80767

 

Manny SELF PORTRAIT via camera

Ey mang. I gots some busy days, joo know? The All Star game is like the most important game of the year, mang.

Anyways, I figured I should show joo guys what I look like once I gave myself a haircut. See why L Monstro needs to wake up out of his coma soon? Is like an emergency. See joo guys later, mang.

Manny’s Haircut ADVENTURE

Ey mang. Is Manny writing the blog again, mang! I is so honored to be able to share my thoughts and feelings with all joo. How many of joo guys know my buddy L Monstro? Is a good friend of me and some of the other Sox, mang. Maybe you seen him in segments on NESN. He takes care of my hair, Papi’s beard, eggcedra, eggcedra. He absolutely the BEST BARBER in the land, no fooling.

So I was driving around in my Range Rover today, coming back home from the Orange Julius stand. I had a Julius sitting in between my legs, and the next thing joo know I HIT A BUMP and spill the Jewels all over my car, mang! I pull over to the side of the road to clean things up, and I look at my hair in the rear view mirror. Something’s off, mang. I all like, unbalanced, joo know? For some reason, my hair just looks different to me and I think I needs a haircut. If I gonna play good, I gots to have my mojo running at high on the meter. So right then and there, mang, I decide, I need a change.

Once I get the Jewels cleaned up (so much taste… wasted) I get driving again and use my magic HANDS FREE CAR PHONE to call L Monstro. Joo can just tell the car who you want to call and it gets in touch with them. I was all like, yo, call L Monstro, mang. At first I thought the car phone broke because this chick picked up the phone. But then, I find out it’s L Monstro’s lady, mang! Turns out L Monstro in the hospital, like. Apparently he was in the bathtub being a big pimp like usual, except this time he had some mad tunes playing right next to the tub, mang. He ended up knocking the stereo into the tub and now he’s got electrical shockings or some crap like that.

I hope L Monstro OK, mang! But they said he’s in critical condition so no visits from MANNY. So I say to myself, I says mang, what would L Monstro want joo to do?

The answer obvious, mang. I gots to adjust my hair myself. So I make a DETOUR and pick up some hair clippers and supplies at the Target, mang. People see me, but they all like, yo, no way that’s Manny! Why would he go outside with an orange stain on his pants? So nobody bothered me, mang. I’s a master of disguise like that, OK?

So I goes home and takes a little off the top, joo know? But I gots to be honest, I not so good at L Monstro’s trade. Pretty soon I looking like Bart Simpson, or that guy Janet Reno, or something. So I figure, I gots to stop. And I bring Manny Jr. and Manny Jr. over to me, mang. I tell them, listen, joo guys gots to buy Daddy a wig so he looks like himself, OK? They went to the Garment District and found something pretty good. Luckily I got it by gametime. What did joo guys think? Did my wig look ridiculous or did it fit in pretty good? My kids, they got good taste, right?

The moral of the story: L MONSTRO GET WELL SOON! I’m freaking dying without joo, mang.

P.S. Coco hit a grand slam tonight, mang. I TOLD JOO GUYS LAST POST that when I put pee-pee all over his hands, it would work. I’s like freaking Nostradamus, mang. When I retire I think I’m gonna be a manager.